| Dreams |
[Mar. 15th, 2008|09:34 pm] |
|
Dreams Dreams are eraser dust I blow off my page They fade into the emptiness Another dark gray day Dreams are memories Of the plans I had back then Dreams are eraser dust And now I use a pen |
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| I told myself |
[Oct. 16th, 2007|11:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
I stand alone
I told myself that life
With all its misgivings
Had much to offer, I struggled
I wept into my hands,
Feeling the cold winds
Of change and transition blow
I equivocated, whispering
Sweet nothings to myself
To carry on.
To believe in myself.
To embrace independence.
Mayhaps it was never enough.
No matter who told me that
It would be alright,
That I was smart and kind
That I was special
I never believed a word.
Whispering those same words
I tremble violently with
Uncertainty and fear.
I stood alone and felt helpless
I braced against my desire
To renounce the courage I had felt
Remembering how I felt alive again
Knowing that I was worth it
Enough to believe in
Enough to hold on to
Having faith in what I will become.
I cannot stand behind the safety
Of what is familiar and comfortable.
I feel empty and torn, standing alone
But I will fill that void
With my hopes and dreams
And know that I am strong.
...for everything |
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|
| She |
[Sep. 20th, 2007|07:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
She was a flower who grew too tall
she spread her vines over every wall
they all complained about the place,
and her size, instead of seeing the life and beauty in her eyes. |
|
|
| Clambering |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|11:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Imogen Heap | ] |
CLAMBERING
My “I’m sorries” float up underneath
the bassline, heart-monitor spikes just beneath
bluesy black quarter notes hang-gliding
along a clothesline bass clef. The spikes cannot
rise any higher.
I reach a quarter rest, a little lightning
bolt of silence. “I’m sorry,” I say into the
empty space. We’ve flatlined. I want
to breathe air into lungs that shouldn’t
have fallen in. Sometimes I only hear myself;
I only hear the bassline thumping in my chest
and I hang-glide along the clothesline into
brick walls.
I forget you have an orchestra inside of you. Your
blood pumps at ¾ time and I forget
your violins screech out a different wail
than mine; I forget that your toes tap in your
brown suede-y clogs to a different time.
I forget that my bassline thumps so
loud I can’t hear anything else but it pounding
in my ears, richocheting off mushy grey walls and pink
tissue streaked with vessels. Mostly I forget
that my bassline is not the only one.
And “I’m sorry,” I say, one last time,
and this time the top of the spike
pokes through the clothesline
like a mountain peak peering out
at the world above a misty ring of clouds. |
|
|
| Envy |
[Mar. 3rd, 2006|12:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
Envy
I've always imagined
that angels envied you.
Somehow like me
they stumbled over
the want, the need
for something more
than a plan
that never changed,
set to a tune
that only they heard.
I've always imagined
that women like me
would live in shadows
with desires not fit
to play in crowds
where we not only
color outside the lines
we decide that lines
are for those who
have no will of their own.
Women like me
envy nothing
unless you consider
the women who lay
beside men
like you. |
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| Here goes nothing... |
[Feb. 10th, 2006|12:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hide & Seek- Imogen Heap | ] |
I'll tell you flat out that it hurts me so much to always think of this. So from my thoughts I will tell you that the very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I feel so powerless. I have thrown away so many things that could have been much more. I sit here and I just pray that my problems will go away if they are ignored. But, that's just not the way it works.
When I go down, I go down hard. I take everything I've learned and tell myself I deserve to hit the bottom and when I do it hurts. And all of the things that got me there to the bottom, I think, if only I had fought them. If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can run through my entire being and find that I'm so ready to be found.
I'm pissed because I threw away the hope I had in friendships. I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this and I just pray my problems will go away but I know I have to do more than that. Any control I thought I had just slips right through the spaces inbetween my fingers while my Gremlin shakes its head and reprimands me and that consumes me.
I have to get away. I've got to get away from all of my mistakes. I want to run away and ditch my life because all of my mistakes keep me awake at night. I just want to get by, I don't want anything to hurt me anymore. I had no idea where my head was, but my heart says sorry so can I be healed? Can this just dissapear because I just want for all of this to end. I hate consequences and running away from things is what my best defense is...it's what I've been good at doing my whole life. And I'm sorry because I scared you, I know I let you down and I don't want to deal with that. But, I know I'll be trying to make up for what I did the rest of my life.
It hit me that this is more than just a set back and when you spelled it out, well, I guess I just didn't get that. There are times where it feels like every trace of momentum is gone and this isn't turning out the way I want.
I spent all last night talking with my Gremlin, planning more ways to kill myself and now I think there might be no way to stop me now. I'll get away despite the fact I'm so weighed down. All of my escapes have eventually failed, I thought I had a way but then I lost it. At one time my resistance was much stronger and now I do know I can't go on like this any longer. So, I've given up on giving up slowly and this one last bullet you mention is my one last shot...I know to live you must give your life away. Well, I've been housing all this doubt and all of this insecurity. I've been locked inside of this house and I'm just now finding out that all this while my Gremlin holds the key and I've been dying to get out...and that might be the death of me. Even though there is no way of knowing where to go, I promise I'm going because I've got to get out of here. I'm stuck inside this ditch that I fell into by mistake. I have to get out of here and I'm begging you to help me escape. I've given up on doing this alone now because I thought I could so many times, I failed trying to do it on my own I need to be shown how. You've told me the way and now I'm trying to get there.
This life sentence that I'm serving, I admit, that I'm every bit deserving. But the beauty of it is that it makes life not fair. I am a hostage of my own humanity, forced to live in this mess I've made on my own.
I fought you for so long, I shouldn't have let you win. But how many times do we regret the things we do? All I was trying to do was "save" myself...but so were you. |
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| it's a loosing game that you don't want to win |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|12:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cosy Sheridan | ] |
Weary and endless does this battle seem.
There are things, things
That cannot be undone.
Long time now-
Have we fought against ourselves.
The enemy walks away with our losses
Our shields are down-
For we have invited the enemy in so very long ago.
Sweet sweet victory, I long for thee.
I long for the day
The day when I plunge into battle
With my sword and defences at their strogest.
With passion, and determination at my right hand
And courage, and humility at my left-
I WILL slaughter the enemy.
I welcomed you, some time ago
Welcomed and adored your twisted ways.
I bowed before you, and handed you my trust
Decieved was I!
I came to you in a weakened, grieving state
and you!
You served me treachery on a plate!
I will live today
And I will live here without you.
And fare theewell, my devoted "friend"
For I shall have my cake and EAT it too!
And I Will not allow that to determine my own happiness.
You have taken many- and many more shall you mercilessly take-
Not this one, soldier
Not this one indeed. She bears strength, and lust for life
As her mother did before her.
So I enter this battle- a battle for life
It is one that we fight against ourselves,
Though the playing fields differ, and causes may contrast-
We are united in battle
As it is a fight, nay a massacre for those who want it...
A massacre for life. We fight for ourelves
At one time or another-
And I shall run in
Into the seemingly perioulous trap
That shows no mercy, nothing but temptation and deception-
And fight, fight on
And in to the challange I charge.
Fight on, thrashing and slashing I swing.
Again and again, I am fallen, and again and again
I get up and I swing.
For it was by courage I entered here,
And long may it last, ever so long may I dwell
In this place
Seeking my way out upon the assertive path
But that is the challenge, that is the enemy
That which blinds me from my promised life.
Victorious will be the day, the day I bow to none
Within myself.
I will have entered the fight weak and with courage,
But I will emerge honorably and in strength
Giving power not to temtation and insecurities-
Nor to the deciever within,
But placing it in the hands of Truth.
I will live today.
And I will live here without you!
One day will come, where the good in me
Will alone survive.
And in the end of this tedious end,
There will be a certein death, a death to a self
So that there can be seen life, and truth and promise
So through the challange- the challenge I fight to win myself,
I won't give up, I won't stay down
For I will remain standing-
And I will survive. |
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ericawonderswhy's journal
